It’s been a long while since I’ve written on here. While my blog entries are always personal, I try not to make them about me. My goal is to point others to God, to have an outlet to speak what I feel the Lord is wanting me to share.
Well lately I’ve been pretty consumed and introspective so I didn’t want to push those thoughts out to others… but in the midst of my journey here, I’ve decided that I need an outlet – so if you will bare with me (or simply skip this post) I will share something personal and about me.
Last April I married the most wonderful man I have ever known (besides Jesus, let’s not split hairs ok). We were so excited to experience married life, and decided to give it a year before adding children into the mix. We want to adopt and get pregnant and build this wonderful family, but wanted to focus on our relationship for awhile first. It took right about two months to decide that it wouldn’t hurt to start trying to conceive (TTC) Yeah … two months wasn’t even close to 12 months but we’re just ready to start our forever!
I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome many years ago – so we knew that getting pregnant would be a process and had already decided that we wanted to adopt also. One would think that since we knew what we were getting into, that it would be easier… it was not.
In my circle of friends, there are several who have had trouble conceiving due to fertility issues. I took for granted that people would understand the irrational despair of this journey. My husband’s family is just so incredibly supportive. We’ve had several conversations about what Daniel and I are going through, and my MIL says the same thing almost every time – “We don’t understand what you’re going through. We can’t imagine it, we can’t put ourselves in your shoes. Only you know what’s going on in your heart and mind.”
Which is why I’m writing this – for people who don’t know … and maybe reassurance for someone who does and struggles with those feelings the way that I do. Thank you for inspiring me to share my story Debra. 🙂
What infertility is like …
It’s this constant struggle between what you know and what you feel. You know that just because someone else is pregnant doesn’t mean that you don’t get to be pregnant – you feel like you aren’t as good as they are. You know that fertility medicine will make you go through pregnancy symptoms – you feel like a failure every time that pregnancy test is negative anyway. You know that God’s timing is perfect – you feel as if you don’t deserve a baby because of past mistakes. You know that your husband loves you despite your ability to carry a child – you feel like you aren’t the wife he deserves. You know that people aren’t being offensive when they ask when you are planning to have children – you feel like they are throwing it in your face.
It’s starting each month with hope … you take your fertility medicine … you count your days and pee on sticks. And every single morning that the medicine hasn’t worked yet you talk yourself into believing that it’s not a big deal, there’s still tomorrow. And as the month ticks on you hope that the ovulation tests were wrong and maybe you were able to create this living little baby inside of you. You feel nausea set in, your back hurts and smells are terrible. You start craving very specific food and having insane dreams. Lord knows that you are putting on the weight. (Because gaining 20 pounds helps you feel super attractive and positive about life in general.) So you wait another week or two to see if you need to take a test. Your period is late and you get this hope that you try to choke down just in case. You wait a few more days and then you decide to take the test. You don’t tell your husband though, not until you know … you don’t want to share that burden. And there is that stupid little smug phrase – “Not Pregnant”. And your world stops, and you cry. And you smile as you tell your husband “next month it’ll happen.”
It’s praying until you are ok – only to be sidelined by a moment of weakness. This is the hardest part for people to grasp. I can be playing with a child, and in a moment, I am stabbed with a yearning for my own child. I can look at a baby and the thought of touching him or her makes me weak. In less than a day I can go from being firm in my faith & God’s timing to questioning everything. It’s praying through every time I see someone with a child who I don’t think deserves it… I am not God, I don’t want to be, it is not my place to decide who is worthy of a child, and I repent of those feelings instantly – but they come. My flesh tries to rationalize what my heart can’t understand.
My God has never failed me. He has always covered me and provided for me. But there are days I feel like a failure. There are days I want to give up. If I never got pregnant, I would be getting what I deserve for my past mistakes… But I don’t serve a God who holds me accountable to my past. I serve a God who quiets my mind, who heals my brokenness. I am redeemed and restored.
So to those of you in my life: I am not trying to shut you out, I am sheltering you from the negativity that overtakes me in my moments of weakness.
And for those that are willing to stand with me in prayer: This is April. This is the month that we started out saying we would get pregnant and I’m believing it to be true. My doctor is wanting me to skip to IVF, I am insisting on 1 last month of Clomid. I am circling our baby in prayer this month. And I’m asking you to join me.
“For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay.” – Habakuk 2:3
“He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!” – Psalm 113:9″
“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.” – 1 Samuel 1:27