553 days…

We have prayed for 553 days… 18 months… 79 weeks!  To say that I have been in season of prayer is a bit of an understatement.  Within this season I have prayed for my marriage, for my husband.  I have prayed for my Church, for THE Church.  I have been reminded again and again of the Lord’s faithfulness to those who seek Him.  But yet here I am … 553 days and no child.

I prayed about what to write, knowing that not everyone is in this same battle.  I hope that someone will read this and find a renewed faith as they wait for a baby, but there are many others who will not relate at all.  But this part of my life, this testimony isn’t about waiting for a baby… it’s about waiting.  So while I am special to the Lord and He hears my prayers, counts my tears and uplifts my spirit – He is doing the same for all of His children who are waiting. because you are special to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  To those of you waiting for their blessing, for a healing, for their joy in the midst of depression, for their lost loved ones to come to their Father, for their hurt to be restored, for their freedom, people waiting for their promise – don’t stop pursuing the Lord your God.

God spoke clearly to me during service around August 2013 (I can’t believe I didn’t write down the exact date!).  He promised to restore me, which I knew meant my life.  I was broken and I felt like I could never undo my past mistakes.  Yet there I was, at the altar, and for the 4th time I was promised restoration.  This time was different, this time He spoke specifically to my desires.  Restoration to my heart, my finances, my relationships (friendships, family and soon to be my best friend and husband Daniel), my health and with that children.

Fast forward 2 years and I’m married to the most wonderful man I have ever met.  We decided that we’d take a year of marriage before we started trying to get pregnant … which lasted all of 3 months.  I just assumed that because Jesus had promised me a baby that it would happen.  After 172 days of praying, there was still no baby.  I began to doubt what He had said, doubt what I deserved.  So I start fertility medicine, secretly in my heart knowing that it was going to happen each month.  “April for sure because that’s the date that we originally planned and isn’t that just like God?”  Nope… it’s not

314 days of prayer, and tears and renewing of faith (and about 45 lbs of weight gain!) and we decided to visit an fertility specialist.  Talks of IVF and $15,000 and I just knew it wouldn’t come to that.  So we begin Intrauterine Insemination and month after month there’s no progress and no medical reason we aren’t pregnant.  Each month you convince yourself that this is the month that the Lord fulfills His promise, and each time you are met with a grief.  But faith is the evidence of things hoped for, and Jesus knows He was building a lot of faith each month because there was nothing to see!!

427 days and there was a faint line.  A faint line of hope that our time had come, because there was a faint line on the pregnancy test.  That hope didn’t last long as we completed two rounds of blood work and the numbers dropped each time.  So the question lingered … the question I think all of us in the season of waiting have asked … If God’s faithful, as I know He is, then why I am I waiting.  If God’s timing is perfect, and we are to trust in that timing, what on earth am I supposed to do while I wait?  When any moment could be THE moment, how do stop the crushing blow to your faith when it’s not?

I was marching around my Jericho for 16 months.  Wondering around for 70 weeks like the Israelites in the wilderness.  492 days of circling my promises and waiting.  I went to a youth conference and in the midst of thousands of teenagers, my faith was renewed.  Heath was the speaker and he asked the question the question that made my eyes immediately swell up with tears.  “What do you do, when everything lines up with the word of God but you aren’t seeing Him answer?”  He presented a story about putting together a puzzle.  You can look at that puzzle box all you want, but if those pieces aren’t there, you can’t force it to work.  I know what my picture looks like, but God never told me how it would be put together.

One of the quotes from Heath Adamson came from Psalm 23, “You’re made to lie down in green pastures and walk through the valley of the shadow of death, not lie down in the valley.”  God doesn’t promise there won’t be valley’s but that He will help you walk through them and find rest in the pasture ahead.  These last few months have had ups and downs.  I’ve been reminded time and again that the Lord takes His time, but He doesn’t waste it.  He is creating new joys, sanctifying me closer and closer to who I’m supposed to be, and He is preparing for my promise.  553 days and what I have learned is that He doesn’t take my grief lightly, He takes it from me when I allow Him to.  He will bring joy when some days have little to offer outside of darkness.

In the book of Daniel- Shadrach, Meshach & Abed-Nego were faced with trial.  They declared faith in the Lord.  I don’t believe that I’m alone in saying that I declare faith in the Lord over my situation, but it’s the next part that I struggle with.  “But even if He does not, He is still good.”  Having faith that IF He does not answer my prayer, He is still good … but not accepting that He is not faithful to His promises.  It’s balancing if God does not fulfill His promise to me when or how I want – He will show himself faithful because He is good.  Even if I need to pray for 3780 days … or God willing less!

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